The Days Grimm Podcast

EP 248 DOTM JAN2026

• The Days Grimm

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Discover the most bizarre, brutal, and world-altering deaths that all share one thing in common: they happened in January.

 From the first firearm assassination in human history to a mathematical genius who literally starved himself out of paranoia, we rank the top 5 historical exits you won't believe actually happened.

In this episode of The Day's Grimm, Brian Michael Day and Thomas Grimm peel back the curtain on history’s darkest monthly archives. You will learn the true (and gruesome) story of Guy Fawkes’ final moments, the "curse" of the train ticket found in Albert Camus’ pocket, and the scandalous rumors surrounding King Louis XII’s over-exertion in the bedroom. We don't just list these deaths; we rank them based on pure shock value and historical impact.

Watch as we break down 16th-century conspiracies and 20th-century paranoia to find out which January death takes the #1 spot. Whether it's a car crash that might have been a KGB hit or a king whose death was blamed on "gout," these are the stories history books usually gloss over.


TIMESTAMPS: 

0:00 Welcome to The Day’s Grimm 

1:38 Death #1: The Philosopher’s Fatal Car Crash (Albert Camus) 

4:05 The KGB Conspiracy & The Train Ticket 

6:12 Death #2: The Night Paralysis Demon (Kurt Gödel) 

12:23 The Man Who Starved to Death Out of Fear 

13:52 Death #3: The First Gunshot Heard ‘Round the World (Regent Moray) 

16:15 Death #4: Guy Fawkes & The Gunpowder Plot 

20:03 The Brutal Torture of the Rack 

23:51 Death #5: The Vengeful King & The Bedroom Scandal (Louis XII) 

34:45 THE RANKING: Who Had the Wildest January Death? 


Sources Cited:

Albert Camus (Jan 4, 1960)

Source: https://www.britannica.com/story/how-did-albert-camus-die

Kurt Gödel (Jan 14, 1978)

 Source: https://piggsboson.medium.com/the-mathematical-genius-who-starved-himself-to-death-68fd4bbee269

James Stewart, 1st Earl of Moray (Jan 23, 1570)

Source: https://www.stewartsociety.org/history-of-the-stewarts.cfm?section=battles-and-historical-events&subcatid=2&histid=509

Guy Fawkes (Jan 31, 1606)

Source:  https://www.worldhistory.org/Gunpowder_Plot/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22244257386

King Louis XII of France (Jan 1, 1515)

Source:  https://www.factinate.com/people/41-raunchy-facts-about-king-francis-i-father-of-the-french-renaissance


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unknown:

Eesti.

Speaker 4:

Hello, hello, hello, everyone, and welcome to another thrilling episode of The Day's Grimm. My name is Brian Michael Day.

Speaker 2:

My name is Thomas Grimm.

Speaker 4:

We are doing the deaths of the month.

Speaker 2:

For January.

Speaker 4:

For January. Is this gonna actually release in January? I don't even know anymore. Because I can't keep up. It will drop in January.

Speaker 2:

I planned for it too, because all these deaths are from January.

Speaker 4:

Sick, dude. Uh which also is fucking crazy yet to you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Five deaths here, all crazy. And at the end, we'll rank them again.

Speaker 4:

Uh hell yeah. I like that a lot. Have we been getting I don't pay attention to comments and stuff, but we've been getting feedback on the other deaths.

Speaker 2:

I don't know. Somebody told us to delete our channel the other day.

Speaker 4:

Sick, dude.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I said, dude, great advice. It's it's pending deletion now. Fucking comment. Oh my god, dude. Anyway.

Speaker 4:

Tommies. Right.

Speaker 2:

Uh producing the show today for us is Zach and Alexis. So we thank them very much.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, dude. Big shoots. So if you see a random hand creep in from the left side of my frame, uh, he's handing me a bush light. That's all that is. Uh uh, yeah. Thanks for joining us today, guys. And then um, thanks to you guys uh if you're listening. So I guess we'll uh unless you got anything to open the show with, we're gonna go ahead and No, I say let's eat.

Speaker 2:

Let's start this fuck party, dude.

Speaker 4:

Uh so right off the rip. Um, death number one. How did Albert Camis die? Hopefully I'm saying that last name right. And we're back. All right, fucking Tom. Uh speaking of Albert Camis having Down syndrome, uh, it's funny that so does Tom. Uh, but anyways, okay, so moving forward. Uh, how did Albert Camis die? In the afternoon on January 4th, 1960, French philosopher Albert Camis, author of The Stranger, 1942.

Speaker 2:

Great year.

Speaker 4:

And mm-hmm. Yep, big year. Uh, and The Myths of Sisyphus, 1942 as well, doubling down on releases in the year of 1942, I dig it, was riding in the front passenger seat of a Fasel Vega, driven by his friend and publisher's nephew, Michael Gallimard. Strange name. Camus and Gallimard were returning to Paris after spending the holidays in Province, France. Gallimard's wife, Janine, and their 18-year-old daughter, Anne, were also in the car. In the small town of Villa Blevin, Villa Blevin, just over 65 miles or 105 kilometers, if you're gay, uh, outside Paris, Gallimard lost control of the car. As as police later noted, Gallimard had not been speeding, the road was straight, and the pavement was not icy or even wet. Um, these parentheticals are just crushing it, by the way. Uh the Fasel Vega nonetheless veered into a tree, instantly killing Camus and gravely wounding Gallimard. Uh Janine and Anne were not seriously injured. Their car was destroyed.

Speaker 2:

Right. And then if you scroll down like even farther here, what's funnier is he actually released a like note. He actually released like a um they're talking about like he released an article um where he was talking about how he didn't trust cars. Like, see, like here's a conspiracy. Uh many years after the crash, conspiracy theories began to develop in 2011, like you know, 60, 70 years later, an Italian newspaper alleged that the KGB had crashed the car.

Speaker 5:

But the uh it but like Oh, the fucking communists, dude. Those sons of bitches, they got him.

Speaker 2:

But in here it was talking about how like he like was always against riding in cars and he actually had a train ticket in his pocket. He was probably but they decided just to take a car back.

Speaker 4:

He was probably a big fan of trains. Go back to his photo, go back to the top here. Yeah, go back to the top. Uh all the way up there. Yeah, there's Albert. Yeah, look at this guy. For sure has Down syndrome. Um looks like an alien.

Speaker 2:

For sure.

Speaker 4:

Big train watcher. Big train watcher, I bet. That's just uh me speculating. Also, before we leave this Death of the Week for the viewers and for myself, can we open a new tab? Are you able to do that? Let's open a new tab.

Speaker 2:

That's the plus sign on the top right.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, all the way to there you go. That plus sign. Let's go to Google, hit that. Yep. Let's go. Oh no, just tap. Tap tap taparoo. Give it the old tap. There you go. Let's go uh search that car name. What was it? A Vega something vega. V E G A. V-E-G A. I think it was a something with an F Vega. You probably just type car. Car. Yeah, Vega car. Let's see what this thing looks like. That's kind of what I was imagining, like a sporty shh. Yeah. That's kind of what I was imagining. Okay. Sick, dude. It kind of looks like the gremlin. And this is a yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we can go back to the article. What year did he pass? Go back to the original article? Because we're looking at like that one.

Speaker 2:

It was uh like 1960, yeah.

Speaker 4:

Okay, yeah. So that's pretty close. Those look like 60s, 70s models. Um, okay, so there you go. Died in uh Fossel Vega, Fasel Vega. Sounds like a fucking artery.

Speaker 2:

Syncope thing I got.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, we're passing Fasil Vega syncope.

Speaker 2:

All right, let's go to the second tab. The mathematical genius.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, let's go. Mathematical genius. Genius. Let's see what's going on here. Oh, I should have shouted out our uh previous fucking source.

Speaker 2:

Britannica.

Speaker 4:

All the that was in Britannica, also, if you're watching this, so we don't get sued. All the sources are in the show's description. Uh none of this we are claiming to be our own. And give me a little zoom action here when you get a second to, please, Alexis. Yeah, zoom in, zoom in, please, on the text. I've I'm old and my eyes are shitty. Uh so here we go. Um, bring her back to the top here.

Speaker 2:

You gotta use two fingers.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, you gotta use two fingers, you know what I'm saying? I'm a two-fingered guy myself, you know what I mean? Here. Here we go. We're gonna get through this. We're fucking okay. Here we go. So the here's our next article, The Mathematical Genius. This is per pigs, pigs, P-I-G-G-S, bosonboson.medium.com. Uh fucking this guy. Kurt Godel, Gdel Godel, was a 20th century Austro-Hungarian logist logician.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I picked this article so I could listen to you stumble over all these words. Thanks a lot, brother. There's so many in this one.

Speaker 4:

Uh okay. I feel like I'm in Bible study right now. Uh Logician mathematician and philosopher. He is considered one of the quintessential logics. I don't even know if I'm saying that right, logics in history, and has earned his reputation up there with Aristotle. His most notable work would be the would be undoubtedly Godell's Incompleteness Theorem. Uh, he is known for connecting classical logic, uh, institutional logic, and modal logic. Uh or model. Model? Model? I don't know. Um he was one of the closest friends of Einstein and used to walk every day with him at the Institute of Advanced Study in Princeton. His accomplishments are so familiar to the world that it overshadows the fact that he had some irrefutable problems in his personal life. He married someone of questionable reputation, a divorced nightclub dancer, suffered several mental breakdowns over the course of his life, and his death was under some mysterious circumstances. He goes on to read, uh, scroll down just a little uh baby hair here. His mental illness would eventually engulf his life. He was admitted to a psychiatric clinic and spent several months there in 1935. Um this is ten years before uh the U.S. whooped that ass. Uh he lived in constant fear that someone was going to make an attempt on his life. Uh his close friend Mortiz Schlick was murdered by one of his own students, and since then he had never been the same. Paranoia took took better of him, and he saw everyone with a knife behind their back as he believed that he is at risk of being poisoned. This guy is on the shit. You know, this is a this these are the mental renderings of someone that has a cocaine addiction.

Speaker 2:

Him and Einstein and all of them came over during Operation Paperclip. And like, you know, we're building the atomic bomb. There's a lot of like everybody's being accused of being a spy. The paranoia maybe isn't that crazy.

Speaker 4:

And I don't want to, I don't want to split baby hairs here, but Operation Paperclip was post-World War II. Okay. Pre-World War II, we did steal scientists from Germany, but they were all Jews and they were running because they were scared. That may have been the case with this guy with the funny last name. I don't know. Uh that being said, um, he suffered from his he suffered from his first mental breakdown in 1934. This problem, this problem started with the symptoms as an inflammation of the jawbone from a bad tooth. That's a quote, an inflammation of the jawbone from a bad tooth. Uh he spent a week in Sanatorium Perkersdorf, uh, not essentially a mental institution, but a place with calm aesthetics to reduce one's distress. By autumn, he seemed like he was back to normal until his second mental breakdown in 36. Godell would re recollect or recollect this year to be, quote, one of the three worst years of my life, and quote, his mental illness was getting worse every day. And we're gonna scroll. We're gonna scroll. What happened? We still good here? Okay. Um so then it goes on to read the wartime uh also didn't help Gdel's mental health. He was in Vienna during World War II. He expected uh he expected due to his psychiatric condition, he would not have to participate in war.

Speaker 2:

And he disclaimed this section, and we'll go down to like that's just some backstory there.

Speaker 4:

Oh, look at this spooky motherfucker. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 6:

Oh my god! Damn. Holy fuck.

Speaker 2:

You're gonna see him in your dreams, dude.

Speaker 5:

That's my fucking paralysis demon right there.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, that's that's my fucking Everybody else is seeing JFK at night, and I'm seeing fucking this guy. You know what I mean? Holy shit. Okay, is this where it gets good? Yeah. Okay. Despite being suc successful in his field, his personal health didn't seem to favor him most of his life. His paranoia his paranoia took the better of him during the later stages of his life. He grew more and more suspicious of everything around him and even refused to eat food as he was in constant fear of being poisoned. He would insist upon his wife to taste the meals first to ascertain the food was not poisoned. Why are you married? Why are you married then, bro? You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3:

Like, hey, baby, taste this, taste this food for me.

Speaker 4:

Hey, if you're going, I'm going, honey. Uh uh Okay, so his wife unfortunately was hospitalized due to her illness for six months. What?

Speaker 2:

Somebody probably tried to poison the food. She got sick, you know. I don't know.

Speaker 4:

What the fuck? So he was on to something, is what your KG KGB had a hand in this, I bet. He had the utmost trust in nobody except his wife. Uh, when she left him alone, he refused to eat any meals and eventually starved himself to death. He met a tragic end on January 14th, 1978, due to malnutrition with an abnormal body weight of just 65 pounds. Holy shit, Jesus Murphy.

Speaker 2:

That's all we're gonna read from the song.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, that's fine. That all honestly, get away from this fucking picture because I'm gonna have a fucking nightmare now, dude.

Speaker 3:

That's hilarious, though.

Speaker 4:

Like actually, go back one more time. Go back to his picture one more time. Can I get it? Can we zoom in on this guy's face? I just yeah, can you like drag it over? Looks like Dracula from like the old holy dog shit. That's horrifying, dude. Uh, that's fine. We made an effort. That's what matters. But if you're watching this on screen, you're just as terrified as I am. Yeah. Holy shit. Jesus. All right, that's enough of that. Um, okay, so uh starvation uh due to borderline psychosis.

Speaker 2:

This one's brought to you by Stuartsociety.org.

Speaker 4:

Okay, here we go. History of the Stuarts. Uh, love a good Stuart. If you are a Stuart Society member, please, Psych. Uh, where do we start here? Damn. I love how I'm like on autopilot. I just start reading. I'm like Ron Berg. We'll go back up here real fast for the review. Uh the assassination of Regent Murray. Regent Murray, uh, murder of Lord James Stewart, 1570.

Speaker 2:

Wow, you're really nice little mural of the action.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Then here we go. Love some stained glass. Shout out to the Catholics. Uh Moray was assassinated in Linlithgow, Linlithgow on 23 January 1570 by James Hamilton in Bothwell Hall. None of these are good. Bothwell Hall, a supporter of Mary, as Moray was passing in a cavalcade in the main street below, Hamilton fatally wounded him with a carbine shot. Carbine. Carbine, carbine, it's the same fucking thing. Carbine shot from the window of his Uncle Archbishop Hamilton's house. It was the first recorded assassination by a firearm. That was gonna be my first question was did they even have fucking firearms in Facebook? That's why I included this. I thought it was unique.

Speaker 5:

Fuck, dude. Okay.

Speaker 4:

Um the the regents or the regent's body.

Speaker 2:

All that dumb stuff is at the bottom. That the that one paragraph is all the all the juice. This is just talking about where he was buried and they put a brass plate on his fucking grave. And a stained glass window depicting his death.

Speaker 5:

That's gay.

Speaker 4:

Um, yeah, dude. So hold on, go back up to the stained glass.

Speaker 2:

But like the the uh I thought it was funny that the cavel cockade or whatever, is that like a what do they call it in the motorcades now? But since it was done on horse, it was cavel.

Speaker 4:

I didn't think about that. Yeah, that's what that is. I'm so stupid.

Speaker 6:

Yeah, and it looks like, yeah, right here he's like, oh, oh no, I've been shot in me chest.

Speaker 2:

But that's crazy though. First assassination by gun, 1570.

Speaker 4:

And honestly, he he did it in, you know, uh real real JFK style.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

Out the window from the from the fucking whatever.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, the Nolly Grass. The Nolly Grass.

Speaker 4:

Thought it was the fucking library.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it was. Well, I mean, in theory.

Speaker 4:

Library with the lead pipe. Gotcha. Shout out to Clue. Okay, and that again was StuartSociety.org. Uh moving on. Here we go. That's death number three. We're going into death number four here. Gunpowder. Worldhistory.org. Yeah. Worldhistory.org. Gunpowder plot. All right. This was written 29 April 2021. You're not going to read the subtitle. Oh, Guy Fox. Guy fucks. Uh. Yeah, Guy Fucks uh and the plan to blow up Parliament. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. I'm gonna love this. Dude, okay, let's get into it. Um the 1605 gunpowder plot was a failed attempt by pro-Catholic conspirators to blow up the English Parliament on 5 November and kill King James I of England. Reign was uh 1603 to 1625, and the entire nobility along with him Fuck yeah, they I fucking love this. Uh the plot was discovered when one of the cu uh conspirators sent an anonymous letter warning a relative who would have been present in the Parliament. At midnight on 4 November, Guy Fucks was apprehended beneath Westminster Palace before he had a chance to light the 35 barrels of gunpowder gunpowder stored in the palace's cellars. It's hot. Literally. Uh under brutal torture in the Tower of London, Fucks revealed the names of his fellow conspirators, one might say co-conspirators, and their plans to cause such chaos that a coup de I don't know how you say. Yeah, basically a coup by forces favorable to the Catholic cause would be possible. Rounded up and rounded up and also tortured, the guilty parties, including Guy Fucks, were executed by the gruesome method of being hanged, drawn, and quartered, a fate reserved for those guilty of treason against the crown. Bonfires were lit on the night of 5 November to celebrate the failure of the plot, and this tradition continues to dancing on the date variously known as Bonfire Night, Guy Fucks Night, or Fireworks Night.

Speaker 5:

Jesus, dude. Dude, the English really fucking have it out for the cabinet.

Speaker 2:

And then uh one of the best parts of that shit. They go through like the whole breakdown of all that shit, the discovery, the letter.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, torture and death.

Speaker 2:

But uh go ahead and go from like right here.

Speaker 4:

Okay, so Guy Fucks was taken to uh taken to an audience with the King in Whitehall, where he admitted why he had been down in the cellar with the cellars with his gunpowder, although he refused to name his fellow plotters. Fuck was then taken to the Tower of London and kept in a small room to await further questioning. He would soon be acquainted with the Tower's fearsome lieutenant Sir William Wade, a man with long experience of wheedling out information from his captive captives by any means he saw fit. In this case, the king specific the king specifically gave Wade permission to use methods of torture starting with the milder ones and ending with With the rack. I think I know what the rack is.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Chicago.

Speaker 4:

Uh yep. Is that where they like stretch your body? I think it is. Anyways, there followed ten there followed ten days of torture, the evidence of which can be seen by comparing the conspirator's signature at the beginning and end of his ordeal. Fuck remained unrepentant, stating that the spread of Protestant is Protestantism required a desperate, quote, desperate remedy for a desperate disease. Um and that's a secondary quote from Jones 279. Right, but it goes down. Um it is likely that Fox first had to endure manacles which restricted his movement, uh, then leg breaks. Jesus. Plates which crushed his legs, and perhaps thumb screws, presumably still resisting. Fox, Fox, Fox, whatever, was then laid out on the rack where his limbs were slowly stretched and his ligaments torn from the bone. That's what I thought it was. Does it get better?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, um, basically, they go to hang him at the stake after all the or like hang him in the middle in front of all these people, right?

Speaker 4:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And he died before they dropped. Yeah. So the final act was to cut the body into quarters. Some tried to avoid the latter part of execution by jumping off the scaffolding in order to break their own necks. So right when they were like walking him up to hang him, he just jumps off and snaps his own neck on the ground instead of fucking getting quartered out like a slab of meat. But it says his lifeless body nevertheless was given the full treatment. So even though he was dead, they just still quartered it out.

Speaker 4:

What year was this again?

Speaker 2:

Can we go back to 15 something?

Speaker 4:

Oh, this is after the Crusades.

Speaker 2:

But honestly, you low-key Oh, actually, it was um this was in 1605.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, six no yeah, yeah, yeah. It was 1605 to 1623, somewhere in there.

Speaker 2:

But he died in January. The act of the trying to blow up Parliament was on November 1915.

Speaker 4:

Oh, yeah, it was in there it is, 1605. Yeah, 1605. So bottom line is uh I don't feel that bad about the crusades anymore.

Speaker 2:

The crusades weren't Protestants versus Catholics, though.

Speaker 4:

Wasn't it the the Muslims versus Middle Eastern versus the Catholic? But still, I mean, like, God, that's brutal. Why were they so mean to each other, dude? Yeah, I don't know. And I thought King all the King Jameses were all Catholic.

Speaker 2:

Uh yeah, that's why he was trying to be that's why this guy was trying to kill him. Because it was a conspiracy theory against the Catholics. So the Protestants.

Speaker 4:

My point is, why would not why would Daddy James not have his back? You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm getting at. Why would Daddy James not have yeah, just give him the folk bug.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, just like they didn't have the torture laws that we do nowadays.

Speaker 4:

Well, I'm just curious. I feel like I feel like Padre James I, you know, King James, Daddy James, whatever you want to refer to him as from 1603 to 1625. I feel like he let us down here.

Speaker 2:

I just want to say this guy's name, Fox.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, dude. I fuck. I fuck with his name, dude.

Speaker 2:

I fuck with Fox.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, dude. Fuck with Fox, dude. Uh again, that's uh worldhistory.org.

Speaker 2:

Uh this is the last one. Then we get to rank them.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I haven't even started a timer, so I don't even know where we're at on episode lengths. Let it roll. Yeah, let it ride, Daddy. I'm not good with hand signals. I have to autism. Uh, okay. Uh let me get a bush light while you're over there, though.

Speaker 2:

Um I said this next tab.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, let's go on to the next one. Oh, there we go.

Speaker 2:

God bless you.

Speaker 4:

Okay, where are we at here? Um why don't you start reading for a second?

Speaker 2:

Scandalous facts about King Francis the First, the vengeful king. This was uh an April 2nd of uh yeah, 1494. Um Francis First of France is inevitably compared to Henry VIII. Both kings had big personalities, big love affairs, and big scandals that rocked the face of Europe. Nice uh nice little play on words there. Face fuck on Europe. Um there's a lot more to Francis than just the similarities to the counterpart. From his unlikely accession to the throne to his brutal defeats and torturous later years, Francis did not languish in his neighbor's shadow.

Speaker 4:

I got it from here, Daddy. I had to wet the whistle. Um okay, here we go. He started at a distance. Um born Francois of Anguilem Anguileme Anguileme. I'm gonna I'm doing my best.

Speaker 2:

That's okay. The Europeans love to fucking troll us in the comments with their uncircumcisions.

Speaker 5:

I honestly fuck him. I'm so tired of it. It's the things, not the times. Dude, suck it.

Speaker 4:

You know what I mean? Although that was dope though. Um, so Aguileme in 1494. The man who came to be Francis the First was never supposed to be or was never supposed to see the throne of France. His parents were from a minor branch of the royal family, and he was the great-great-grandson of King Charles V of France, uh, whose reign ended nearly a century before Francis' birth. Uh with that much distance, no one expected him to rule, but as as we'll see when it comes to his secession crisis, things are never.

Speaker 2:

What's up with dudes damn near being trans back then? Like that dude is a cross dresser for sure. Is that just because he's French? Yeah, is it? No comment, Brian?

Speaker 4:

Well, I'm thinking, hold on, go back up. Go back up. I gotta I gotta look at his face some more. You just hit me with a lot of questions all at once. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Now see his bra strap showing. Let's scroll down a little bit.

Speaker 4:

Yeah. So it's like a G string for your chest. Uh it holds your breastplate, brother. Dude, and look at these fucking bangs, bro. And honestly, grow a fucking beard or don't. That's where I'm at on this. Like, grow the fucking beard or fucking get rid of it. Like, God, and whoever fucking painted this, I'm sure, did an amazing job. So this guy just looked like a fucking ass hat. Like he looked like this.

Speaker 2:

Well, and then like as we as we go down here, uh that's actually a valid point, though. Is this is this him again?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, that's this is after hormone therapy.

Speaker 5:

I just got lightheaded. I laughed so much.

Speaker 2:

Dude for sure looked like a bitch as a kid.

Speaker 4:

Oh god dang, dude. Oh, that's so brutal. Scroll up just a baby hair here. Uh just a little scroll up. Okay, here we go. Two. He experienced horrific loss. Of his balls.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

Yeah. Of his fucking manhood. Um, so before Francis had to face the possibility of inheriting the throne, he endured a dark twist of fate. In 1496, his father died suddenly. Francis was two, and his mother, Louis Louise of Savoy, was just nineteen. But instead of giving in to grief, Louise stepped up to the plate. She took charge of Francis and his sister. Fucking dude. I'm so tired. Margaretis. Yeah, whatever. Uh she prepared him for every possibility the future held, including an ascent to the throne. Also, real quick before you scroll away. Um, Luis of Savoy. Why did we fucking do that back then? Brian of Evansville. You know what I mean? Like fucking so pretentious. The fucking Europeans, dude. I'm so fucking over it. Uh oh, look, he upgraded hats. Jonathan. Jonathan of Wales. Uh, he still kinda has a penis here. So, anyways, uh, he was in the right place at the right time. I'm not good with Roman numerals. What is that? Five, six, seven, eight. Yeah, that eight? Okay. So Henry the Eighth. The next one's twelve. Oh, thank you, bro. Uh Henry Henry the Eighth was obsessed with having a male heir, and he seems tame in comparison to Louis the Twelfth of France. Again, of France, who ascended to the throne when Francis was just a child. Do you need a beer, brother? Yes, please. Okay. Hook it up, big daddy. Um he's got hands. Uh, thanks to French law, his two daughters couldn't take the throne, and that may and that male heir did not appear. And God bless you.

Speaker 3:

Are you it just says thanks to two daughters and French laws, it's like so pro male written.

Speaker 4:

You know what? The Europeans had some things, right? Uh no, I'm just kidding. That's uh, I'm just trying to get more comments. Uh, and if you traced if you traced your finger down the line of secession, there was Francis uh with this ridiculous fucking hat.

Speaker 2:

He looks like a dog. Like he got the dog ears, you know what I mean?

Speaker 5:

Oh, I thought I looked like a tired beagle. This guy looks like a fucking tired beagle, bro.

Speaker 6:

For sure. The fucking hair, dude. Oh my god.

Speaker 2:

Oh he did not know what the future held. Francis' childhood was spent in sort of limbo, waiting for a metaphorical axe to fall. Would Louis the Seventh or 12th, I mean, have a son, thus regaining Francis to a minor position in the court, or would he die without a son, leaving him to be king? Well, in 1505, when Louis XII fell ill, it looked like he had finally had the answer. But Louis was or yeah, but Louis was not about to just let his name fall into obscurity.

Speaker 4:

Uh, for Francis, the crown came with a big condition. Um he pushed himself into it. Fearing for his life, Louis XII some summoned his uh courtiers to his bedside and insisted for the good of the kingdom that Francis should marry his eldest daughter, Claude. What I mean, he looks like a woman, he's marrying a woman with a man's name. Like they were so fucking far ahead of themselves, I don't even think they knew.

Speaker 2:

Well, history repeats itself, so here in a couple years, we'll be dealing with these same issues.

Speaker 4:

With a bunch of tired beagles. Uh so Francis was only eleven and Claude was six years old.

Speaker 6:

Oh my god.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 6:

After some debate. There was a debate.

Speaker 2:

Apparently, the nobility allowed the two to become engaged, but Louis XII had another surprise up his sleeve. He recovered from his illness at least temporarily, allowing Francis a few more years of freedom. I like how they're like years of freedom to marrying a six-year-old.

Speaker 5:

Is this the six-year-old in question?

Speaker 2:

I don't know. She looks older to six years.

Speaker 5:

That's a shitty looking six-year-old, brother. That's a rough looking, that's a rough six years, dude.

Speaker 4:

Uh, Francis would become the victim of his predecessors' plotting in more ways than one. See, the see the potential union between Francis and Claude had infuriated quite a few very important people. That's because Claude's mother had plans of her own for her daughter, preferring instead to wed her to the future Holy Roman Emperor Charles V. This plan had been in motion long before Francis came on the scene.

Speaker 2:

Now it looks like Lord Farquad.

Speaker 4:

And didn't end well. I wonder if he was looking at the painter and he was like, hey man, make me look.

Speaker 2:

I definitely shopped around. There's a lot of paintings on these. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 6:

There is no consistency.

Speaker 3:

Every painter, every painter that painted him a picture, he was like, I don't like this, kill him. And then the next painter paints the same picture. Yeah, he's like, you know what? Kill him.

Speaker 5:

Fucking shaking, just trying to brush. Oh fuck, dude. I can't fuck this one up. He fucking killed the last guy.

unknown:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

He quartered the last guy. Uh marriage wasn't the only thing that uh in though power had decided for Francis before he'd even had adulthood when Louis XII betrothed Claude to Francis. It set a stage for a feud between Francis and Charles V, as the paragraph above said. Uh, long before either young man saw the throne, as we'll see, this would go on to have violent, disturbing repercussions for France when the throne or France ceased when the throne hit him. Uh he got married, their hor uh honeymoon was short. Excuse me, wow.

Speaker 4:

Tighten up, brother. Yep, here we go.

Speaker 2:

Tighten up.

Speaker 4:

Is this where it gets is this where it gets juicy?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. After tying the knot for the third time, Louis the Twelfth got the right important task of baby making with his new wife.

Speaker 5:

What the fuck? Who wrote this?

Speaker 2:

In an effort that may have sealed his fate and secured the throne for Francis on January 1st of 1515, Louis XII passed away at the age of 52. Minnie whispered that over exertion in the bedroom is what took his life. But realistically, it was probably gout.

Speaker 4:

Either way, I like how they're like, anyways, it meant one thing, after years in limbo, Francis Francis would become uh king of France.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 5:

Is that the death? Yeah, dude, uh we got all the way through that for that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. He just died fucking his third one.

Speaker 5:

This is the fifth ranked.

Speaker 2:

Really? Let's minimize this and go to the notes. The notes have like a uh the notes have like a little preview about each one that I did.

Speaker 5:

Oh my god, that was so fucking horrible. I hate that I had to read all of that to find out he died of gout or erectile dysfunction.

Speaker 4:

We're not sure. Oh my gosh, dude. Hell yeah. Let's hit these notes. Alright, what do we got here? So here's the notes. Death of January. Deaths of January.

Speaker 2:

Um is a little screen easier.

Speaker 4:

No, this is fine.

Speaker 2:

You sure? Yeah, it is fun. I can't read shit.

Speaker 4:

So here we go. Uh, one, two, three, four, five. Yeah, you got them all here.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and so you already said the fifth one is King Louis XII. He can stay down there. Died fucking.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, he can stay down there. Over exertion in the bedroom and org out. And I had to learn about this fucking transgender guy for a fucking whole time.

Speaker 2:

You thought he was gonna die, and you're like, I can't wait. It's old yeller times France.

Speaker 4:

I can't wait for this fucking dude who's questionable about his fucking orientation to pass. You got for four though. Um do you want to do it in reverse? Yeah, because we got five. Yeah, let's do uh okay. So who do we got left?

Speaker 2:

So we have the first assassination by gun, we have Guy Fox, we have the mathematician that starved himself, and then we have the philosopher who died in a car crash, but he like had a train ticket in his pocket, but he decided to take a car last minute.

Speaker 4:

And he hated well, they they say that he hated cars, and that was the and then it was rumored that he was killed by the KGB.

Speaker 2:

I think that's number four for me.

Speaker 4:

The car. Yeah, yeah, kinda lame. Yeah, kind of lame. And like Loki, like let your intuition serve you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you should have taken the train. You already bought the ticket, and you fucking hate cars. Clearly not a gym.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and you could have killed your kid, right? Or your wife, or whoever those other fucking retards were.

Speaker 2:

Maybe he was a gym, and he was like, Oh, it's 1940s, just went through 60. Yeah, 1960. But still, you know, he he was born during those years and he was like, trains? I'm gonna take a car.

Speaker 4:

Maybe.

Speaker 2:

Maybe. Still number four.

Speaker 4:

1960 was like prime time. They were like thriving then.

Speaker 2:

Was it?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, they were like coming back hard.

Speaker 2:

Cool. That's it. Good for them.

Speaker 4:

All right, anyways.

Speaker 2:

They're coming back hard. I agree.

Speaker 4:

We'll go, we'll go car crash four just because mostly it's boring. Um good observation on the train thing. Yeah, I like that.

Speaker 2:

I think number three for me is the very first assassination by gun.

Speaker 4:

There's no fucking way I'm letting that happen. No way I'm letting that happen.

Speaker 2:

What's three for you?

Speaker 4:

No fucking way I'm letting the first nation the firearm assassination settle at three. There's no fucking middle of the pack. That's my one.

Speaker 3:

That's your one. Guy Fox is not your number one. No, guy. It's based on the guy's name. Dude.

Speaker 4:

Firearm assassination. The first in the world of human history of our fucking human history.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so what did you put in there? The philosopher that starved himself to death?

Speaker 4:

Dude's, yeah. So we've got, yeah, I'll put him at three. He's my three.

Speaker 2:

I could settle with that.

Speaker 4:

Can you settle with that? Yeah. Okay. So we're gonna go the the fucking night paralysis demon.

Speaker 2:

Uh that's the guy that starved himself, right?

Speaker 5:

Yeah, that picture is like fucking burned in my fucking brain. Oh god. Uh, he's number three for sure.

Speaker 2:

Which is hilarious. Like, hey, babe, can you taste my food? I want to make sure it's not poisoned. I know that I'm like walking around the house like a cat, afraid somebody's gonna poison me.

Speaker 4:

He probably was dabbling recreationally with cocaine. Uh, so just okay, so in order from five to three, we've got King uh King Louie uh died fucking. Uh we've got the fucking car crash, uh, philosopher guy, 1960, number three.

Speaker 2:

We have now put um the guy who starved himself, the mathematician.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, the night paralysis demon. Yeah, he's third. So that leaves us with the first assassin first assassination with a firearm, um, 1570, and Guy Fucks, um 1606. Now rerun me through Guy Fucks. How did he die again?

Speaker 2:

He he was the uh guy that had fifty-five gallons of uh black powder explosives and got it underneath parliament, but somebody ratted him out, and then he was tortured, and then he was supposed to be hanged, drawn, and quartered and disembowed.

Speaker 4:

And this is your number one, that's where you want him, and then the other one is the assassination, yeah, and I want it at one and the assassination's cool because it's like it's literally like JFK, but in like the 15 Yeah, that's why it should be number rock, paper, scissors. You want to settle it?

Speaker 2:

No, I I'm cool with settling with your it only makes sense. It's kind of funny. Like, literally, like he knows the path of the Calvar cade or instead of motorcade, and he's just like up in a window. But bro, look and then you fast forward like four hundred years later and did we find out the name of the guy that killed Did it say the name?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, it said the guy's name and then That guy is the goat. When you think about it, all other people that have ever assassinated somebody with a firearm, he was their predecessor.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 4:

He was their fucking brainchild. That's crazy. It's kind of wild. Yeah, so that's clearly number one. Uh and yeah, then Guy Fucks is just gonna have to go number two, man. I hate it because he's got a dope last name and he and he's Catholic.

Speaker 2:

You know, he was he was at least he's number two instead of a thousand. Hashtag Bonnie Blue. That's her name, right? Or is it Bobby? It's Bonnie, right?

Speaker 4:

Is that that's the lady that blew off. Those dudes.

Speaker 2:

She didn't want to blow them. They all fucked her.

Speaker 4:

They were going inner?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. She was talking about like dudes like slipping on semen on the floor and like trying to regain their footing.

Speaker 4:

That's why you wear shoes in a situation like that, bro.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I assume most of them probably did have shoes.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I'm not going barefoot in there, bro.

Speaker 2:

No. Hell no.

Speaker 4:

You get fucking foot herpes, dude.

Speaker 2:

You get more than that.

Speaker 4:

You get fucking gout.

Speaker 2:

Die of exertion. Being number 52, you know? Trying to get your footing.

Speaker 4:

God, dude. Just a squirrel, man. Just a squirrel. Uh yeah, dude.

Speaker 2:

So uh, but that guy that died at 52, the lady he was fucking was 18.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, fuck him. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

She just shows that, you know, when you're a king.

Speaker 4:

God, that's crazy. Also disgusting. That's kind of crazy.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so that's uh this month's deaths of the month.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, yeah. January's deaths. Uh, you know, like, subscribe, hit us and all these took place in January, too, which is kind of cool. Yeah, that's fucking wild. Crazy work.

Speaker 2:

I think I might try to do that more often. That is insane. Deaths from that month in history.

Speaker 4:

Um, so yeah, if you guys knew of any of these five, uh any uh historians out there that follow the fucking podcast, a lot of these are old stories.

Speaker 2:

And if you disagree with our rankings, you know, feel free to pop in the comments.

Speaker 4:

Or if you if there's a fun factoid about one of these that we don't know, fucking shoot it out, dude. Um if you have a better portrait of fucking that lesbian gay Francis or whatever the fuck his name was. If you have an actual better portrait that fucking better than the 13 that we saw today, that would be super helpful. Uh short of that, man, I think I'm all good here. Um thank you guys for making it this far. Like, subscribe, do the whole thing. Uh, you know, thank you to uh uh to Alexis for running the show. Appreciate you. And uh thank you. Thanks to Zach for handing beers. Yeah, thank you, Zach, for handing beers. Um, and thank you, Tom, just for being like uh just for you know thanks for showing up grinding, dude. Just you know, being glad you like this. Being a child of God, dude. Appreciate you. Uh yeah, like subscribe. See you guys later. Bye.

Speaker 1:

Can't wear them very long. We bring the sound of a ever amen. Little seeds are talking, but they can't stand talk. Cause big ones rise while the weak ones fall. No peace tonight. That's the goo, we light.

Speaker:

With that soul so real.

Speaker 1:

When them baseline roll at the shoes and TV, get on back with that soul, so real.